Lessons

Time is a bizarre creature. It really is. “Time” is an arbitrary system of measurement, more so than any other, I believe. Physical measurements are largely constant. If you measure out the space between two stones, don't move them, then measure again, you will get the same result. However, if you measure out the span between sunrise and sunset, then measure it again the next day, you can come up with vastly different results. A pleasant day passes in the blink of an eye, but a difficult day lumbers and lurches like some great beast. Vacations rush past in an instant, but sometimes it feels like an eternity surviving through a single workday. Time is extraordinarily subjective, even more than the way the road there seems long, but the road home seems short.

However, time is not meant to be the focus of this little blurb. The intent of this is an analysis and breakdown of lessons I have learned in the past ten years. They have been quite intense at times, and I would like to make sure I don't miss the point. So, in no particular order, let us consider what I have learned in the past ten years.

-I have learned what it is to be my own man.
-I have learned what it is to give myself to someone else
-I have learned that sometimes, you cannot stand and fight the world in front of you
-I have learned that sometimes, you must stand and fight the world in front of you
-I have learned that these two occasions are often one and the same
-I have learned that evil is not as unpleasant as everyone says it is, and that hate is sometimes an extremely enticing option
-I have learned that evil is subversive, and hate can poison the soul in no time at all
-I have learned that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing
-I have learned that you should never be satisfied with “a little knowledge”
-I have learned that money should always be a means, not an end
-I have learned that money never stretches as far as you think it will, and never brings the joy you think it should
-I have learned that no man is an island, and that I am no exception
-I have learned that fear drives a man to do terrible things
-I have learned that bravery is not always what you think it is, and that sometimes retreat is the only wise choice
-I have learned that you should strive to live without regrets, but some choices will haunt you no matter how far you run
-I have learned that you can only Hate the people you truly Love, that no one else means enough to you to warrant that intensity of emotion
-I have learned that sometimes, you need a dog around to know you are loved
-I have learned that sometimes, you need a cat around to know you are not the center of the universe
-I have learned it is in fact possible to love and hate your friends at the same time
-I have learned that no day is so good that something awful cannot happen
-I have learned that no day is so bad that something beautiful cannot happen
-I have learned that there is an unbelievable freedom to be had in owning your own car
-I have learned that there is an unbelievable slavery and burden in owning your own car
-I have learned that Stuff is great, and I have learned that I am far too proficient at accumulating it
-I have learned that Blood is Blood, and that your family is always going to be there. That is the definition of family.
-I have learned that true Education has little to do with dates and facts, and far more to do with how to deal with people
-I have learned that the past is a fluid creature, a slippery bastard that is constantly in flux. The road behind you is winding just as much as the road before you. We just pretend it isn't
-I have learned that laughter is the best of medicines, and that curry takes a very close second
-I have learned that my little slice of reality may be small, but I must tend it best I can because its all I'm getting
-I have learned to love math, as it is one of the few things I can trust to stay stable
-I have learned to love words and language, because they can do so many wonderful things
-I have learned to trust people, and I have learned to distrust people. I have yet to learn when it is appropriate to do which
-I have learned that the likelihood of me ever growing up is slim, and that this saves me the trouble of having to figure out what I want to be when I get there
-I have learned that a manual transmission is the only way to drive, especially when the weather goes sour
-I have learned that long drives are often worth it just for their own value, and that the journey is at least as important as the destination
-I have learned never to underestimate a northern Mid-Western winter. Mother Nature is far more creative than me, and will always have one more trick up her sleeve
-I have learned that quality is its own reward. I have yet to learn exactly when it is appropriate to fudge things, and settle for really good instead of great

-I have not learned when to shut my mouth
-I have not learned when to open my heart
-I have not learned where I lost my naivete
-I have not learned when I lost my joy
-I have not learned when it is inappropriate to laugh
-I have not learned how to take it like a man
-I have not learned when to stay in line
-I have not learned who's on first
-I have not learned how to live without technology
-I have not learned what's so great about Lost
-I have not learned why I am here
-I have not learned how to accept responsibility and criticism without flinching
-I have not learned how to stop lying
-I have not learned how to get women and impress people at parties
-I have not learned how the rest of you people make it all look so easy
-I have not learned when to leave well enough alone
-I have not learned how James was so damn good at rolling a disc when it wasn't even in his name
-I have not learned to fly

-I want to learn another language
-I want to learn how to please my woman
-I want to learn how to find a woman
-I want to learn why people are they way they are
-I want to learn to find contentment in little things
-I want to learn the real story behind UFOs
-I want to learn how to control my weight
-I want to learn discipline
-I want to learn

And then the Leprechaun buggered off with the pot o' gold...

So, due to certain events and recent decisions I've dealt with in my life, I feel a strong need to write about the nature of Love, Relationships, and Dating in Modern Society.

The whole topic is rubbish, though, so why not root out the real source of the problem.

Just as I believe the Rebellion spirit that lives in us is the result of heavy indoctrination during youth, I fear that the modern concept of romance is likewise culturally ingrained into us. Raised on fairy tales of Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming, it is essentially inevitable for children to grow up with severely warped perspectives on relationships. I personally had the misfortune of spending my formative years regarding these things, sequestered away in my church youth group, but more on that later.

The fundamental problem is the delusion of "The Perfect Other". Likely stemming from the Judeo-Christian that God is watching out for you, the idea essentially is that there is a Mr./Mrs. Right out there, just waiting for you. This sort of thinking can only exist in a universe that allows for an all powerful/all knowing God, or Fate, which is the same thing with a more secular coat of paint on it. Now, I won't deny that even in my social circle, I have married friends who I cannot imagine being involved with anyone else. That is a reactionary attitude, though. I cannot imagine them with other people, mainly because I have not really seen either of them with other people. The concept is foreign to me, likely not encouraging to the couple (who wants to imagine their significant other with anyone else?), and therefore largely frowned upon. Personal experience and social graces combine forces, and suddenly it's Destiny.

Except it's not Destiny. It's not Fate, or God, or any other invisible force. It is a convoluted combination of personal chemistry and compatibility, genetic predisposition, and a significant amount of compromise and work on the part of the people actually in the relationship. Those couples who were "made for each other" are likely the first ones to point out to you exactly how hard it is to live with their spouse/significant other, and will easily rattle off several issues that they are currently in the process of hammering out. They are still together because their personalities mesh in just such a way that they can get through with the relationship intact. But that is no guarantee it will last, even for the married ones. It is fallacious thinking to assume permanence simply because it is the way things are now. The couple may have worked through a lot. They may have overcome challenges that likely seemed absolutely insurmountable at the time (I can think of a half dozen examples of the top of my head for at least as many of my married/seriously commited friends). Issues which the couples managed to work through. But, I can also say with confidence that the key factor in every one of these situations was not divine providence. It was not the invisible hand of Fate, Destiny, or the Divine. It was the stubborn persistence of the poor bastards caught in the middle of it. I've watched small issues shatter "perfect" couples. I've seen a lack of persistence destroy casual couple and decades-long marriage alike. The fact that a relationship has not failed yet does not automatically assume that it cannot fail.

There is no such thing as a "soulmate". At best, there is "the ultimate accomplice". Someone who is conspiring with you against the forces of entropy and boredom. When you think about it, monogamous relationships are a bit bizarre for a species with attention spans as short as humans. Yes, they're convenient for stability while raising children, but beyond that, there is a decided lack of incentive to stay involved. There is likely a reason the words "stable" and "stagnant" both begin with the same three letters. I'm no linguist, unfortunately, but I'd be glad to hear from someone with a thought on that. Personally, I have the attention span of the average gray squirrel cranked up on pop rocks and mountain dew. And while I am fully aware that the rest of the human race does not share my weakness (Thank God), my cousin informed me recently that the average human intellect does not usually stray further than 6% off the baseline, one way or the other. Assuming I am truly exceptional, and have literally half the attention span of the most extremely inattentive person, that puts me at either 9% or 12% off the mark, respectively. In class, a full letter grade, but we're not talking about the difference between "Passing with Honors" and "Dismal Failure". This implies that I, with my miserable ability to stay on course, am at the very most, only slightly less capable of keeping my head on track. That means that most other people will eventually get bored by the same lack of variety that bores me (albeit not nearly as quickly). It seems odd that there is this expectation that, even though I have difficulty maintaining a single guiding thought in my head throughout one single paragraph, I will somehow be perfectly fine sticking to a single woman for the rest of my life. And, if some of the more extreme cases are to be believed, that I was supposed to be "true" to her all the way up till now as well.

We are raised on promises of Happily Ever After in Love, as well as other things. It's a load of bollocks, though (God Bless the UK). According to a hero of mine, Harris K Telemacher (as played by Steve Martin), "There is someone for everyone, even if you need a compass, pick axe, and night goggles to find them." I disagree. I believe the formula is that you find someone you are happy with, and then you use the compass, pick axe, and night goggles to keep the relationship together.

Just keep your nerve, batten down the hatches, and with a little luck, you can make it through, with all your friends looking on in awe saying "They were meant to be together."